Gather your beautiful selves around and let me spin you a yarn…
There was a dark time in multiplayer, couch-coop games when everybody could be playing and having fun, then one dick would hit the start button and PAUSE THE GODDAMNED GAME FOR EVERYBODY as they re-spec’d their character so he could use a sword that changes absolutely nothing in game.
So A-godamned-plus Blizzard. Way to take a game and super-inject it with so much suck that there is now a suck shortage. Right now, we live in a world completely devoid of suck because it has all been absorbed by this game. This pebble of a planet in the depressing emptiness of space we live on spinning around a ball of nuclear radiation that keeps us alive until the eventual heat exploding death of all things in the universe has a black hole of suck coming from all console game disks labeled Diablo III.
Which is excellent news, because today, March 24, 20 anD HOLYSHITWHOGIVESAFUCK!
DIABLO III REMAKE (AKA BORDERLANDS: THE HANDSOME COLLECTION) IS OUT TODAY AND I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!!
Remember that awful pause mechanism????
If you hit start, you run the risk of getting shot at if your friends have better things to do than protect your menu-riding ass!
SAVE THAT FOR DOWNTIME!
UNLESS YOU FIND A GUN THAT SHOOTS EXPLODING CHILDREN, THEN BY ALL MEANS, EQUIP THAT SHIT!!!*
If you have three free friends, grab their asses, plop them on your couch and play this game until your eyes implode! If they aren’t free, kill everyone they’ve ever loved, find a fall guy, and comfort and caress their tears away while you blow a psycho’s brains out in BORDERLANDS: THE HANDSOME COLLECTION!!
Handsome Jack’s story from kind-of asshole to Shadow-of-the-Colossal asshole is all packed onto one disk, guaranteed to leave you with wet spots anywhere your orifices can secrete fluids or your money back!
And, not only do you get the core game, but every DLC that Gearbox has slaved over too!
WHY ARE YOU STILL READING THIS!
GO BUY DIABLO III REMAKE!
GO BUY BORDERLANDS: HANDSOME COLLECTION!
*game may not include exploding child projectile launcher