So let’s talk about Star Wars. There’s a new series of movies coming out and there’s a lot of hype and speculation about what the story is going to be about. We here at NETV have been given an exclusive look not only at the script for the new film, but also for casting choices not yet announced and we’d love to share these things with you.
It begins on the planet Tatooine with a lonely sarlacc named Jason, voiced by Shia LaBeouf, buried in the sand. In the many years since the destruction of the Death Star, sarlacc populations have been seriously diminished. Jason is constantly told by his dad’s mouth-body that he needs to find a wife! But only 2 female sarlaccs on Tatooine are of marriageable age and Jason really doesn’t like either of them. It’s very Pride and Prejudice.
IN COMES HAN FUCKING SOLO
Han, still played by Harrison Ford, zooms in in the Millennium Falcon and smashes it into the sand in a sweet slow-motion scene–sand sprays everywhere in waves. Han stumbles out into the desert and looks down at Jason’s horrifying 100 foot wide lamprey mouth and almost falls in. A bit of sand rains down into Jason’s throat after Han’s boot just touches the edge of Jason’s space-lips.
Now Han is a pretty knowledgeable guy. He saved the universe and all that. And he’s generally pretty sympathetic to giant monsters that could eat him.
“Hey,” Han says, “are you feeling alright?”
And Jason makes a deep, deep rumbling sound by expelling air out of his 6 underground lungs and pushing it through his 3 foot long vocal chords. It sounds like if a snake hissed into a microphone attached to a wall of Marshal stacks and a rabbit the size of Texas started screaming at the same time.
Han, now covered in sarlacc spit and sand, nods. He doesn’t know a lot of the native sarlacc tongue, but he got most of what James said.
“Alright bud. Here’s the plan. We’ll find you a pretty sarlacc lady.”
And then there is a glorious scene of Jason, strapped to the side of the Falcon with what looks like duct tape (he wouldn’t fit inside) as they take off.
From there they visit all sorts of planets! Han says “If it’s going to be a Star Wars movie we need to pick up a few people.”
Jason isn’t totally sure this makes sense, but he’s still strapped to the outside of the Falcon and they’re in space, so he can’t make any noise to complain.
They grab good old Luke and Leia, played by Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher. Because they need some Jedi muscle and some sex appeal. They pick up Chewbacca, because they spent a lot of the budget on digitizing that sound he makes. They grab R-2 and C3PO who have rusted, are no longer functional and it takes hours to find them because they are in pieces spread out all over a scrap heap. (Again Jason isn’t really sure this is needed, but Han assures him. “It’s a Star Wars movie! Can’t have a Star Wars movie without annoying robots!” Han says. Jason thinks that he’s just not quite understanding Han and there must just be something lost in the translation between their languages, but he trusts Han. So he let’s Han do his thing.) They get Boba Fett, played by Will Ferrell. And to round off the crew they get one of those canteen band guys (the one with the space-oboe), played by Andy Serkis.
Once the crew is assembled, they take off and plan on heading for a planet they have heard is *loaded* with sarlacc babes.
BUT ON THE WAY!
Luke is passing the metal corpses of R-2 and C3PO and suddenly he thinks he hears a message playing from R-2’s system! [he doesn’t actually hear it] [Luke’s sort of losing it in his old age]
THERE IS A NEW THREAT TO THE UNIVERSE!!!!!!!
Luke runs back to the cockpit, trips, falls, and breaks his hip. And once they find him he says:
“Everyone!!!! There is a new evil force in the universe!!!! We have to save the universe again!!!!! TURN THIS SHIP AROUND!!!!!!! ALSO I BROKE MY HIP.”
And the crew then heads in the direction of the outer planets, where the mad Luke is now sending them, claiming the ghost of Emperor Palpatine has raised a new evil army to dominate space on these planets. And this is the cliff hanger at the close of our first film: our crew is assembled, our enemy is defined and we’re ready for one hell of a ride in the next two films.
The first film ends with Jason on the side of the ship as it turns toward the outer planets and away from the planet of babes, crying, lonely, and strapped to a machine that he can’t control in the infinite void of space.
Also I’ve never seen Star Wars. Any of them.